First I will link you to what happened – this is an article spreading around the internet that “gives the whole picture” and should be making me feel better. According to several places where it was posted. I appreciate the fact that fandom is looking out for one another. I just personally have issues with being told how I should feel and that my feelings are somehow “wank”.
What happened at Jus In Bello Convention
I didn’t really feel better after reading it, and here is why (and most of the reason has to do with Fandom, not Jensen, but I will start with Jensen): Jensen wasn’t asked a direct question about Destiel, and he still said, according to the article: “Jensen did say that yes they were less and he didn’t mind it also because ‘the whole dean and cas thing is blown out of proportion’”
In case you aren’t in the Supernatural Fandom, Destiel is a “ship” of Dean Winchester & Castiel, two characters in Supernatural. A Ship means it’s a romantic pairing of two characters in fiction. Ships can also be friend-ships but when people say they “ship” something they usually mean they like to see them as romantic.
So, yes it hurt to hear from one of the main actors in Supernatural (he plays Dean Winchester) that we’ve blown the whole thing out of proportion. The Destiel thing. Not because I’m going to die if Destiel doesn’t become canon, I’d love to see it, but that isn’t why it hurts. It hurts because Destiel means a lot to me and I feel like he is saying we are going overboard loving something that many of us (The pro-Destiel population is NOT small) feel very passionately about. Not only that, there IS potential for Destiel to go canon or get really close to being canon. If you’ve seen the last 2 episodes of Supernatural, my interpretation, which I know is shared by many, even – I’ve read, by “casual” viewers – people not in the fandom and they don’t ship Destiel – That Castiel DOES love Dean Winchester. And is IN LOVE with him.
I’ve recently read some excellent meta – and started to feel hopeful again that Destiel is something real, that us shippers are not just delusional. Here’s a link to a really good set of posts
Season 8 & 9 Destiel Meta
And Jensen is an actor who WORKS there and you know what, he DOES know more than me as to what’s really going on. So yeah, I had that disappointment. Of course he’s not one of the writers, and the future hasn’t been determined yet, but this thing yesterday kinda ripped down my sails of hope.
Also I want to note – I was upset about how it seemed Jensen had said he was glad he’d had less scenes with Castiel. That hurt. Especially since Misha, who plays Castiel, said that his favorite scenes to play had been the intense ones with Dean. I felt sad for Misha. BUT I see now what was said by Jensen was (and he’s referring to having less scenes with Castiel) I will quote the article: “jensen did say that yes they were less and he didn’t mind it” – So he’s saying he didn’t mind it – not necessarily that he was GLAD he had less scenes with Misha/Castiel – so I APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW FOR ANY OF MY MISINTERPRETATIONS ON THAT YESTERDAY. As long as Jensen & Misha are okay with each other and Jensen didn’t make Misha sad, that is what is important, because I was feeling both sad for Misha and for the part of Fandom that is supportive of both Castiel & Destiel. (Still feeling sad for Fandom in that respect – there was a time when Jensen was really glad that Castiel was coming back to the show)
Here’s something that was running through my mind yesterday – Jensen is a famous, extremely good looking actor that has a lot of doting fans – and he DESERVES IT he’s an amazing actor and a nice person, but anyway, he has a life that most of us can only dream of. He has an amazing job, he is loved by millions, he has a happy romantic life & family life and some very amazing friends that work where he works (Hey at least I have that!). So, I was resenting the fact that this person who has everything in life, especially the part about the happy romantic life, was dismissing our feelings for something that means a lot to us.
Let me put it this way – some people were hurt yesterday, including me and everyone’s reaction was DON’T BE MAD AT JENSEN or you are WRONG your feelings are WRONG you are seeing things WRONG. This upset me. I’m NOT even MAD AT JENSEN. I just didn’t like that because he is JENSEN people in Fandom were saying HATEFUL things to each other. YES HATEFUL. All the judgments flying about were discouraging to me. (And YES I do need to examine my own judgments as well)
Look, I’m single, I’ve NEVER had a successful romantic relationship – and that’s not Jensen’s problem, but it hurt when someone who has it all dismisses the feelings of someone like myself, who found substitute romance in Destiel. Is that healthy? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, (Just think of all the single people in the world reading romance novels, if you want a comparison) but now I have to face another new feeling –
I can’t stop thinking of how one of the actors in the Destiel pairing is squicked by it and if I think of Destiel now I will think of how Jensen who plays Dean is disturbed by it – Yes I really think he is disturbed by it, I was at Vancon 2010 and a male fan asked Jensen a direct Destiel question and Jensen’s immediate reaction, both in his tone of voice and his words was that he did NOT want to talk about it.
(Please note, I am not jealous of Jensen nor do I resent him for his success in life or resent him for any reason whatsoever. I’m just saying in comparison, he has it all, and I do not. A lot of us do not. Doesn’t mean any of us are less significant than him)
So anyway, YES I will get over this YES Jensen and I have differing opinions on Destiel and YES we both have every right to feel the way we do. We do. I just wish he’s said things a little different, like maybe “You know what, I’m not into the Destiel thing, and I do feel uncomfortable with any questions about it, I don’t see it the same way some of fandom does” something like that. But instead to say we’ve blown it out of proportion – to me that basically says, we’re seeing it wrong. We’re feeling it wrong. We’re doing it wrong.
But really he’s human just like me and I will admit I could be looking at this wrong STILL so please don’t think I’m harboring some grudge against Jensen. He said what he felt at that moment and really, that is okay. I’m realizing that I need to be okay with some of the stuff I interpreted as hate yesterday (The main reason I wrote this) and when I say Hate, I mean the fandom to fandom hate.
And who knows, maybe he’s right? Maybe there isn’t a snowballs chance in hell of Destiel being romantic canon on the show. Maybe that’s ALL he really meant. I’m willing to look at this another way, and I’m going to get over this. It certainly isn’t the end of the world. I just need a break from Fandom now.
Why? Because every time I looked at the internet yesterday I saw THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SHOULD BE FEELING. Being told how I should feel is a huge trigger for me. So is being told to calm down. I’m a grown woman, I have every right to have my feelings just like other people have theirs so it really upsets me when people tell me I need to calm down. Anyway I will look at this again and re-evaluate and I will calm down and be fine. I will be okay but because Jensen is so squicked by Destiel I do feel like I’ve lost part of something I’ve loved. This is something I will be looking at again and again to see how I feel about it.
Plus just all of the unkind things I saw people saying to each other yesterday was really disheartening. I think the reason it upset me so much was I was getting triggered over and over again with the “my feelings are wrong” and the “part of fandom that feels this way is who is in the right”. I felt attacked. But I’m working on looking at it differently, really I am.
So anyway, Destiel shippers, I love you, I love our mutual feelings on a beautiful relationship on Supernatural. I will still discuss Destiel with people if they want to discuss it. I just need to step back from Supernatural Fandom for a bit. Think about some other things. Yeah, I realize people that aren’t in the Supernatural fandom probably think I’m nuts! haha. But really, I’ve met a lot of great friends online because of the Supernatural fandom.