TRAIN MY BRAIN!

That is my motto and motivation today, to train my brain! To have better habits! I just tried to meditate just now and my mind was going a mile a minute, which is unusual for me. Too many things on my mind today, so going to write some of it out.

A lot of it is work related, and my job is very stressful, and my need to relax and unwind at home has become my excuse to procrastinate on other things – like getting the dishes done, doing other important things. I think I do need to allow myself some me time but I want to change how I do it.

Also I was really tempted to have a stiff drink – Hard Mikes – haha – after work to numb myself from the emotional stress and strain from the day, and I’m not an alcoholic, never have been one, but I still felt the need to direct my desire for peace of mind in another direction, and I’m glad I stuck with it. I’m going to try do mantras, meditation, and more quiet time and less addicting internet time (Youtube I need to stay away from you right now!)

I’m not the cleanest person, but I’m not the messiest either. If you walk into my apartment you won’t think you’re in an episode of Hoarders! But for years my excuse to procrastinate on cleaning at home was that I cleaned other people’s homes all day long for a living, and at home, I needed a break from it, which was true. But I don’t do that for a living anymore and now my excuse is my job is hard, I must rest. Which is true, but really, I can handle some cleaning unless I’m extremely drained from my day. I need to make myself do it more often so I can realize it’s not so bad. Also need to try not reacting to how awful my mind is making that chore look (I have this same problem with shaving my legs and no I don’t  leave them hairy)

I’m addicted to fun and entertainment, and I have LOTS of entertaining things to do. LOTS. So I feel the need to put things into perspective, allow myself some wind down time but also some responsible adult time. I hope I’m not just saying this and will go back to my regularly slacking off!

I’m glad to say I actually achieved of the few things I wanted to achieve tonight, not all of them but some, and the night is short! Wish it was longer. I will go back to those dishes now and get ready for bed.

To Watch or not to Watch?

I still haven’t made a decision on whether or not I’ll watch Supernatural this fall. I went from pretty excited for the new season after reading some excellent Destiel meta to wondering if my heart can take it anymore after Jensen’s opinion on Destiel at JIB.

Why am I thinking/feeling this way? I’m a hard-core Destiel shipper. It’s gotten to the point that I mainly watch the show for Dean/Cas scenes. Or any scene that speaks to their relationship. I’m emotionally invested in their relationship, and Jensen’s comment that he didn’t mind that there were less Dean/Cas scenes…and you know the rest….anyway, this comment makes me afraid. Afraid of even less Dean/Cas scenes, and afraid that Jensen will consciously change what he’s doing. He already claims he’s not acting Destiel, but I still see it. And feel it. And if he decides to tone it way down, I might be really disappointed.

Also,the plot in general hasn’t been making sense to me in years, although this thing with Crowley and Dean and Dean being a demon is interesting, but still, I’m wondering if I should take an emotional break from it all. I can still ship Destiel and read fanfics make vids etc.

Also, it’s still a thorn in my side that Castiel was a bad guy just for talking with and doing stuff with Crowley back when he turned into Godstiel, they considered him such a traitor for it, yet now currently Dean and Sam do whatever they need to with Crowley because Crowley’s handy (just as Castiel did)

The only reason I would ever even forgive that plot oversight would be if it brought Dean and Castiel closer to each other in the future.

And then, all that build up in Season 8 and then pretty much nothing? At least it’s canon that Castiel loves Dean. At least I got that.

So, I haven’t decided yet. I also want Castiel to be in every single episode and constantly with the Winchesters, and I’m disappointed when that doesn’t happen. So if I hear that suddenly Cas will be in every episode, move into the bunker and be a regular, I’ll watch.

I’m going to leave this here for now, more thoughts later

JIB5: Destiel, the PR nightmare and the potential queerbaiting

This article is amazing. Discussing what happened with JIB, and what Destiel really means for people. I love it.

The Daily Fandom

destiel - the daily fandom

Destiel shippers’ hopes were in an all time high after Stairway to Heaven and Do You Believe in Miracles aired. Metatron’s acknowledgment of Castiel being in love with humanity or everything being about saving just one human seemed to leave things pretty clear. Some fans even called the ship demicanon or canon on Castiel’s side. Destiel shippers couldn’t be more excited for Season 10 and, after a season of a lot of suffering, all was well.

But it didn’t last long as all those hopes were quickly crushed after this weekend’s convention. Jus in Bello has celebrated its 5th edition with the participation of Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki and Misha Collins among other members of the cast, as usual. Things started going downside for shippers yesterday during Jensen’s solo panel:

“There wasn’t a whole lot of Dean and Cas storyline in Season 9. Personally I kind of enjoy that. I think the whole…

View original post 1,019 more words

Where I’m at with the big Supernatural Fandom thing from yesterday

First I will link you to what happened – this is an article spreading around the internet that “gives the whole picture” and should be making me feel better. According to several places where it was posted. I appreciate the fact that fandom is looking out for one another. I just personally have issues with being told how I should feel and that my feelings are somehow “wank”.

What happened at Jus In Bello Convention

I didn’t really feel better after reading it, and here is why (and most of the reason has to do with Fandom, not Jensen, but I will start with Jensen): Jensen wasn’t asked a direct question about Destiel, and he still said, according to the article: “Jensen did say that yes they were less and he didn’t mind it also because ‘the whole dean and cas thing is blown out of proportion’”

In case you aren’t in the Supernatural Fandom, Destiel is a “ship” of Dean Winchester & Castiel, two characters in Supernatural. A Ship means it’s a romantic pairing of two characters in fiction. Ships can also be friend-ships but when people say they “ship” something they usually mean they like to see them as romantic.

So, yes it hurt to hear from one of the main actors in Supernatural (he plays Dean Winchester) that we’ve blown the whole thing out of proportion. The Destiel thing. Not because I’m going to die if Destiel doesn’t become canon, I’d love to see it, but that isn’t why it hurts. It hurts because Destiel means a lot to me and I feel like he is saying we are going overboard loving something that many of us (The pro-Destiel population is NOT small) feel very passionately about. Not only that, there IS potential for Destiel to go canon or get really close to being canon. If you’ve seen the last 2 episodes of Supernatural, my interpretation, which I know is shared by many, even – I’ve read, by “casual” viewers – people not in the fandom and they don’t ship Destiel – That Castiel DOES love Dean Winchester. And is IN LOVE with him.

I’ve recently read some excellent meta – and started to feel hopeful again that Destiel is something real, that us shippers are not just delusional. Here’s a link to a really good set of posts

Season 8 & 9 Destiel Meta

And Jensen is an actor who WORKS there and you know what, he DOES know more than me as to what’s really going on. So yeah, I had that disappointment. Of course he’s not one of the writers, and the future hasn’t been determined yet, but this thing yesterday kinda ripped down my sails of hope.

Also I want to note – I was upset about how it seemed Jensen had said he was glad he’d had less scenes with Castiel. That hurt. Especially since Misha, who plays Castiel, said that his favorite scenes to play had been the intense ones with Dean. I felt sad for Misha. BUT I see now what was said by Jensen was (and he’s referring to having less scenes with Castiel) I will quote the article: “jensen did say that yes they were less and he didn’t mind it”  – So he’s saying he didn’t mind it – not necessarily that he was GLAD he had less scenes with Misha/Castiel – so I APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW FOR ANY OF MY MISINTERPRETATIONS ON THAT YESTERDAY. As long as Jensen & Misha are okay with each other and Jensen didn’t make Misha sad, that is what is important, because I was feeling both sad for Misha and for the part of Fandom that is supportive of both Castiel & Destiel. (Still feeling sad for Fandom in that respect – there was a time when Jensen was really glad that Castiel was coming back to the show)

Here’s something that was running through my mind yesterday – Jensen is a famous, extremely good looking actor that has a lot of doting fans – and he DESERVES IT he’s an amazing actor and a nice person, but anyway, he has a life that most of us can only dream of. He has an amazing job, he is loved by millions, he has a happy romantic life & family life and some very amazing friends that work where he works (Hey at least I have that!). So, I was resenting the fact that this person who has everything in life, especially the part about the happy romantic life, was dismissing our feelings for something that means a lot to us.

Let me put it this way – some people were hurt yesterday, including me and everyone’s reaction was DON’T BE MAD AT JENSEN or you are WRONG your feelings are WRONG you are seeing things WRONG. This upset me. I’m NOT even MAD AT JENSEN. I just didn’t like that because he is JENSEN people in Fandom were saying HATEFUL things to each other. YES HATEFUL. All the judgments flying about were discouraging to me. (And YES I do need to examine my own judgments as well)

Look, I’m single, I’ve NEVER had a successful romantic relationship – and that’s not Jensen’s problem, but it hurt when someone who has it all dismisses the feelings of someone like myself, who found substitute romance in Destiel. Is that healthy? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, (Just think of all the single people in the world reading romance novels, if you want a comparison) but now I have to face another new feeling –

I can’t stop thinking of how one of the actors in the Destiel pairing is squicked by it and if I think of Destiel now I will think of how Jensen who plays Dean is disturbed by it – Yes I really think he is disturbed by it, I was at Vancon 2010 and a male fan asked Jensen a direct Destiel question and Jensen’s immediate reaction, both in his tone of voice and his words was that he did NOT want to talk about it.

(Please note, I am not jealous of Jensen nor do I resent him for his success in life or resent him for any reason whatsoever. I’m just saying in comparison, he has it all, and I do not. A lot of us do not. Doesn’t mean any of us are less significant than him)

So anyway, YES I will get over this YES Jensen and I have differing opinions on Destiel and YES we both have every right to feel the way we do. We do. I just wish he’s said things a little different, like maybe “You know what, I’m not into the Destiel thing, and I do feel uncomfortable with any questions about it, I don’t see it the same way some of fandom does” something like that. But instead to say we’ve blown it out of proportion – to me that basically says, we’re seeing it wrong. We’re feeling it wrong. We’re doing it wrong.

But really he’s human just like me and I will admit I could be looking at this wrong STILL so please don’t think I’m harboring some grudge against Jensen. He said what he felt at that moment and really, that is okay.  I’m realizing that I need to be okay with some of the stuff I interpreted as hate yesterday (The main reason I wrote this) and when I say Hate, I mean the fandom to fandom hate.

And who knows, maybe he’s right? Maybe there isn’t a snowballs chance in hell of Destiel being romantic canon on the show. Maybe that’s ALL he really meant. I’m willing to look at this another way, and I’m going to get over this. It certainly isn’t the end of the world. I just need a break from Fandom now.

Why? Because every time I looked at the internet yesterday I saw THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SHOULD BE FEELING. Being told how I should feel is a huge trigger for me. So is being told to calm down. I’m a grown woman, I have every right to have my feelings just like other people have theirs so it really upsets me when people tell me I need to calm down.  Anyway I will look at this again and re-evaluate and I will  calm down and be fine. I will be okay but because Jensen is so squicked by Destiel I do feel like I’ve lost part of something I’ve loved. This is something I  will be looking at again and again to see how I feel about it.

Plus just all of the unkind things I saw people saying to each other yesterday was really disheartening. I think the reason it upset me so much was I was getting triggered over and over again with the “my feelings are wrong” and the “part of fandom that feels this way is who is in the right”. I felt attacked. But I’m working on looking at it differently, really I am.

So anyway, Destiel shippers, I love you, I love our mutual feelings on a beautiful relationship on Supernatural. I will still discuss Destiel with people if they want to discuss it. I just need to step back from Supernatural Fandom for a bit. Think about some other things. Yeah, I realize people that aren’t in the Supernatural fandom probably think I’m nuts! haha. But really, I’ve met a lot of great friends online because of the Supernatural fandom.

 

 

Trying to taper down the indulgment

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Got my mind on Buddhism a lot today and yesterday. I have a couple of decisions to make soon, and listening to dharma talks on youtube helped me decide I don’t necessarily need the things I was trying to decide to keep or give up. It’s also helping me with being a little less attached with what I do with my free time, so that I can do more responsible things too – get chores done, cook, do things for other people, not be so self absorbed.

I am facing not having a car soon, for a very long time, and I want to be mentally ready for that.

I also want to use that as an opportunity to spend less money, and pay my credit card down. If I don’t have a car, I won’t be spending money on gas, insurance, oil changes, or repairs. That’s a lot of money saved. I also want to try and taper down on things I feel I need all the time, like my iced teas. I’m going to try use the instant sometimes to save money. Right now I’m drinking my favorite, Oolong Peach from Safeway.

I want to experience life in a different frame of mind. Less attachment, less aversion, more peace, more contentment, no matter what is going on.  I want more inspiration, because I want to work on creative projects more often. I want to be more efficient with my time.

Today I did my laundry, changed sheets on the bed, sorted and threw away a lot of papers, wrote up a recipe to share at work, played Yoshi’s Island, Animal Crossing, and  Runefactory on 3DS , read dharma & listened to dharma talks, baked chocolate chip cookies, went to the store and library, wrote up my monthly budget, wrote part of a fanfiction chapter, cooked Boca burger for dinner and cooked Macaroni Con Queso for lunches this week.

Video

Destiel Explosion

This is pretty pervy…rated mature, heavy slash. Fast paced video set to Generic Eric by she

Procrastination

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I’m thinking of procrastination today and how I’m a master at it. Why can’t I be a master of discipline instead? That would involve “working” on my free time which does not compute in my head right now…why I am such a bad procrastinator.

So I think…I’ll do that later. Well, later never comes because it’s always NOW and right NOW I want to have fun…not do those boring chores that are always in my head for LATER. My brain is finally starting to understand later never comes so I better start doing some of those necessary chores now. And promise myself I WILL still have time for fun.

Okay I just admitted on the internet how super lazy I am. We’ll see if this goes anywhere.

I was good

I decided to try working on my new fan vid a little each evening.  The reason I’ve avoided it on weekdays is because once I start I don’t want to stop. I managed to work on it just now and told myself a half hour, did it for 45 minutes, but still I’m proud of myself for quitting before an hour was up.

The program froze up on me and I had to restart some of what I did, that is my excuse for taking longer.

My son and I watched Walking Dead Episode 1 today, it’s pretty good.

I listened to my new music CD in the car, I got some really nice free music from amazon, I’m surprised. One of the new songs I’m using for my video.

Yesterday I watched some Hoarders, once again I am wondering why people that are so abusive to animals aren’t just arrested.

Today I was lucky and got off work at 4:30.

Sooo many things to do its not funny

I haven’t updated this blog in forever. I’ve recently started watching a lot of new shows, reading a lot of new books, and listening to a lot of new music.

I need to make a new CD for my car. Got a bunch of new free music yesterday from amazon.

Shows I watched today:

 

  1. Legend of the Seeker
  2. Touch
  3. Bones
  4. Once Upon A Time
  5. Madmen (not finished)
  6. The Simpsons
  7. New Girl

I’m going to read some of Personal Demons on my kindle before bed, read some earlier too

Games I played today:

  1. Blur
  2. Eternal Sonata
  3.  Tried to play MySims Racing and it failed on me (got frozen before the game started)
  4. Build-A-Lot On Vacation (laptop)
  5. New Gardenscapes game (laptop)

I’m currently listening to Zelda Dubstep music

Trying to decide if I should go to the Buddhist meditation class tomorrow evening.

Did some laundry and some dishes today. It was a pretty day outside.

Helped my son by taking pictures of his homework he left here and emailing the picture of pages. Tried to hook up the scanner but I think it’s broke for good. It just won’t work.

Goodreads Darkforces series

The Ashton Horror (Dark Forces #12)The Ashton Horror by Laurie Bridges

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is one of my top favs of the Dark Forces books. I love the role-playing aspect of it, the characters, the quaint Vermont town, and the ancient evil. Very fun read!

View all my reviews

The Doll (Dark Forces #3)The Doll by Rex Sparger
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Another one of my top favs for the Dark Forces books which were the greatest thing ever at the bookstore when I was 12-13. I loved the creepy doll, how it was acquired, the mounting evil and the helpful priest! Very fun read!

View all my reviews